In a previous post, we outlined how RSD in ADHD is often related to an underlying sense of shame, which is exacerbated when one is met with judgement or criticism. The resulting emotional response is intense, emotionally dysregulating, and can impact one’s self-worth and self-perception. However, it is important to keep in mind that this reaction occurs after an event is emotionally interpreted and is highly likely to be interpreted based on pre-existing negative beliefs you might hold about yourself. This might make the perceived rejection seem more intense or severe than it actually is. (A reminder from our previous post: RSD is not a formal diagnosis — it is a widely used term for the intense emotional response to perceived rejection that many people with ADHD describe.)
So how do we manage RSD?
Identify the triggers → what situation or event is making you feel dysregulated or questioning yourself? What emotions are coming up for you in response?
Practice Emotional Acceptance → try not to judge or change the emotions that come up for you.
Identify themes in the triggers → when met with rejection, we have a tendency to ruminate to understand the “why” behind it; however, in an emotionally intense state it is easy for an inaccurate narrative to take root. We often end up telling ourselves stories about ourselves riddled with blame and negative self-perceptions. Try to identify the type of stories you are telling about yourself.
Practice Self-Compassion → when you identify a negative thought pattern, try reframing it in a way that you would for a friend; in essence, flip the script on yourself! Some folks also find it helpful to use affirmations to guide them through self-compassion (see below).
To put the above into action, you can use the following tools to support you:
Journaling → write down the thoughts and feelings coming to you; this process forces you to slow down, process, and comprehend your emotions better, which also makes it easier to identify stories you might be telling about yourself.
Deep Breathing Exercises → Box breathing: breathe in, hold, breathe out, and hold again, each for four counts; repeat for several rounds (guided box breathing videos are also easy to find online).
Sensory Grounding → Engage your senses; go be in nature and watch your surroundings; splash cold water on your face; take a warm bath with essential oils; chew on some minty gum.
Use affirmations to practice self-compassion:
- I am allowed to stumble and make mistakes, and this does not define me or make me a bad person
- I am having a difficult moment, and it will pass
- My feelings are real and painful, but they are not facts
- Someone else’s mood or feedback belongs to them, not to me
Illustrative Case Example: Emily has started her training at a new job this week, and today is her fourth day on site. Yesterday, she forgot to complete a task during training, which was later corrected by a coworker. This morning, she noted that this same coworker walked past her desk without greeting her. Emily is now feeling a heaviness in her chest and is wondering if the coworker is upset over her mistake from yesterday. She is now worrying that the mistake had bigger consequences that she is unaware of. She is now doubting her ability to succeed at this job and does not feel deserving of it. She is also afraid of being disliked by her coworkers.
Emily’s triggers → Her coworker did not greet her this morning; this has caused Emily to feel shame, anxiety and doubt about her place in her new workplace.
Practice emotional acceptance → Emily notices the shame, anxiety, and doubt without judging them (i.e. does not label them as overreacting). She lets herself feel these emotions and practices some deep breathing to help with the heaviness in her chest.
Identify themes in triggers → Later, Emily journals about her day and finds that she is still ruminating on the morning’s events (even though the rest of the day at work went just fine). She realizes she told herself a story: that she is incapable and inconveniencing others and therefore must be disliked and unable to keep this job. She is able to identify that she assumed an action (no greeting) to be a personal attack.
Practice Self-Compassion → Emily tells herself, “I don’t think her not greeting me was about me. I think she was in a rush getting in and likely tired and stressed from the morning.” She also reminds herself that she is allowed to stumble and make mistakes at work, especially because she is new to the job, and that making mistakes does not make her unworthy of having the job.