Most of us, when we think of grief, think of bereavement following the loss of a loved one. However, there are many types of loss that can precipitate grief: the end of a relationship or friendship, changes in the family home like separations, divorce, or children leaving the home, declines in health, retirement or job loss, or various other environmental changes. The common theme with all of these is that the predictable nature of life has been compromised by an unforeseen sense of loss, and the natural emotional response is to try and make sense of it. Our brains thrive on making predictions of what comes next; when we experience loss, that usually disrupts routines, habits, or expectations, and our brains struggle to make sense of this change in predictability.
Making sense of our grief, therefore, can take time as we learn to adapt to the loss. A popular model for outlining this adaptability is Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s “5 Stages of Grief” model — originally developed from her work with terminally ill patients facing their own deaths, and only later applied to bereavement — which describes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as emotional responses to loss. However, a common misconception is that these 5 stages occur in order and provide a predictable trajectory for how humans adapt to deep loss.
In truth, grief is:
Non-linear ⇒ it is not a series of steps that we “pass” but rather an ongoing process that can repeat itself. You might feel okay for some time and then feel sad again; you might experience joy despite the sorrow; you might reexperience emotions that you thought you had long processed. This is all natural and a part of the grief process and is not something to feel ashamed about.
Has no predictable timeline for dissipating ⇒ the expectation that grief will disappear is flawed. Most of the time, it does not go away, but we do tend to grow around it. This can mean your grief teaches you many things that you would not have considered before, and can change how you see the world.
Looks different for different people ⇒ most of us have a rather unique response to loss, which means there is no correct way to process it.
All of this can sound overwhelming and daunting; this too is a natural process of making sense of this loss. Be patient with yourself, allow your emotions to come and go, and lean on supportive people when possible.